In the words of Mark Twain:
I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificant by and by.
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
The Bible is a wonderful book; you can prove anything you want with it.
A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.
Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it.
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.
Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.
Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.
Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Synergy - the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.
I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.
The most permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of book teaching, but of experience.
Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Just because you’re taught that something’s right and everyone believes it’s right, it don’t make it right.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
I have traveled more than anyone else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The first half of my life I went to school, the second half of my life I got an education.
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
The thing for us to do is just to do our duty, and not worry about whether anybody sees us do it or not.
I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.
A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has time to put its boots on.
There isn't anything so grotesque or so incredible that the average human being can't believe it.
Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce and ever fickle and changeful master.
It is easier to manufacture seven facts out of whole cloth than one emotion.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Success is a journey, not a destination. It requires constant effort, vigilance and reevaluation.
An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.
Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
He had only one vanity; he thought he could give advice better than any other person.
Troubles are only mental; it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can gorge them, banish them, abolish them.
Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself.
Prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it.
The community is eminently Portuguese - that is to say, it is slow, poor, shiftless, sleepy, and lazy.
To be great, truly great, you have to be the kind of person who makes the others around you great.
The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.
A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.
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