In the words of Will Rogers:
The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights.
A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
A president just can't make much showing against congress. They lay awake nights, thinking up things to be against the president on.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
It ain't so much what a man doesn't know that causes him so many problems, but what he knows that ain't so.
Both political parties have their good times and bad times, only they have them at different times.
In all your life, you will never find a method more effective in getting through to another person than to make that person feel important.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.
It rained in the Middle West. Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.
My forefathers didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat.
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
Old Hollywood is just like a desert water in Africa. Hang around long enough and every kind of animal in the world will drift in for refreshments.
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.
If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help them back to bed again.
Farmers, get out your sense of humor. Congress meets to relieve you again next week.
It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.
When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence level in both states.
The Democrats and the Republicans are equally corrupt where money is concerned. It's only in the amount where the Republicans excel.
Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.
You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can't see the funny side of the other fellow.
I remember when being liberal meant being generous with your own money.
Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.
Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
Take me ham away, take away my eggs, even my Chili, but leave me my newspaper.
Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.
I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.
The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
The problem in America isn't so much what people don't know; the problem is what people think they know that just ain't so.
You must never tell a thing. You must illustrate it. We learn through the eye and not the noggin.
No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Real estate is the best investment in the world because it is the only thing they're not making any more.
Wine had such ill effects on Noah's health that it was all he could do to live 950 years. Show me a total abstainer that ever lived that long.
There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches.
You can't fool all of the people all of the time. But it isn't necessary.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to a select few.
The only real diplomacy ever performed by a diplomat is in deceiving their own people after their dumbness has got them into a war.
If you eliminate the names of Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Jackson and Wilson, both conventions would get out three days earlier.
Senators are a never-ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement.
More Quotes More Quotes
